In the gay community we’ve had to fight to be considered equal. However, within our own community I’ve been noticing an increase in what I refer to as gay-shaming.
If a man is feminine does that make him less of a man? This view of a man lately has been clouded by the misconception that a man is one who has a six pack, goes to the gym 7 days a week, wears a beard, and has a deep voice. It’s a puzzle of confusion and one I believe has created a divide in the community. Men and women for centuries have been brutally beaten, killed or made to feel less than they are because they were gay.
We all have a story. The story of our lives molds us into the people we are. Recently during an interview, actor Russell Tovey, star of the HBO series, ‘Looking’ made a comment causing a few heads to turn. “I feel like I could have been really effeminate, if I hadn’t gone to the school I went to… If I’d have been able to relax, prance around, sing in the street, I might be a different person now. I thank my dad for that, for not allowing me to go down that path.”
Although, I was not upset by his comment because it was his story to tell, I do believe it lacks compassion and understanding. We as gay men are raised differently. Some of us have fathers who can’t deal with the fact their son is gay and use the “I’m going to toughen you up” approach. In Tovey’s case it worked for him and I do believe probably helped him deal with being a gay man.
As long as I can remember gay men were always seen stereotypically as weak and girly. However, our conditions and surrounding mold us. It’s similar to being a black male in this country. My mother taught me that I had to be able to adapt in white america so I was enrolled into all white schools. Her method to other black parents might have sounded insane but it worked for her and today I can say it did me a world of good.
I do believe when it comes to being gay and being a man, we as a community suffer from these blurred lines of confusion and labels given to us most likely by someone straight. The straight community, not gay men, would ask who is the girl and who is the boy in the relationship. Sadly, we as a community have adapted that twisted thought process when we label one another and use terms like butch, queen, or effeminate. These are terms that not only box us in but keep us from truly being who we are intended to be.
Labels are a form of judging. A person is a person and underneath the layers of skin we all bleed red blood and at birth are all composed of 270 bones in our body. I will be the first to say, I have used “queen” and “butch” but when someone called me the N-word, sissy, faggot or questions my role as a top in bed because of their own ideas and opinions, I realize that these labels are false ideas of manhood.
The gay community is half-assed (not half-fast) when it comes to creating change and I am no different. At times I am part of the problem instead of being a part of the solution. I am guilty as charged. I have walked down the street and passed men with bags that resemble purses and because I am human, I make a quick judgement. However, it’s me with the problem not that person. I also realize I grew up during a time when being gay had to be kept a secret.
In the past I judged other gay man who was practicing his new right to be a little more free than who I could be when I was growing up. When I dug deeper and asked myself why it bothered me when I saw young men walking around in heels and hand-bags, I think it could have been jealousy. Who I am today is a representation of that period when gay was taboo and I was unable to express myself.
I can’t say if that being allowed that freedom back then would have me wanting to wear heels or carry a handbag today, but I do think I would be less judgmental if I had the option to express myself freely as gay men do today. The perfect example, I dreamt of being an interior decorator but my mother discouraged me because it would be associated with being gay. It’s not right but it’s closely related to Russell Tovey’s story because gay men grow up with straight parents who don’t understand being gay. They can have understanding and compassion but struggle with raising a gay child. They do their best but oftentimes plant seeds within us that manifest into statements like Tovey’s.
As a collective brotherhood we must not forget we are all in this together. If we label each other the way society does we can’t complain or get upset when a straight person calls us a queen, faggot or sissy.
The male anatomy makes you a man. We’re men first but a men with different desires, that’s all. Effeminate vs. Masculine will continue to be an issue and a hot topic unless we stop labeling and acknowledge that gay men are raised with a straight mentality.
You’ll see from this diversity and inclusion video, ‘Love Has No Labels’ we’re all the same underneath and what you label “YOURSELF” only shows the world what’s on the outside is the very thing that makes you unique.
0 Comment
As a bisexual man who is conveniently masculine as well as friends with numerous other masculine men who are also bisexual/gay, I take great personal offense to your implication (whether intended or not) that male masculinity is reserved only for those men who identify as heterosexual and that non-hetero men who exhibit a masculine gender performance are doing so only because they were socialized under heteronormative circumstances and have therefore been compelled to hide their ‘true’ selves.
In your attempt to validate the effeminate man, you are asking readers to question the authenticity of the masculine man. While you and others may not like the tone with which Russel Tovey discussed his pride in his masculinity, to imply that he and any other men who share his views and attitudes are lying to themselves is as repugnant an attitude as what you’re attempting to address with regards to the socialized shame you claim is felt by some effeminate men.
Also, it is important to avoid making arguments to ‘nature’ when you’re addressing human sexuality, gender, race, etc, as you run dangerously close to invoking the same sort of ‘nature’ based arguments that were used to justify slavery and, more recently, justify institutionalized misogyny, especially when it comes to giving women equal opportunities to work in male dominated fields.
And, one last thing: I would highly encourage you to pay greater attention to the significance in the fluidity of both sexuality and gender rather than simply categorizing people into two extremely restrictive and binaries of gay/straight or man/woman.
“Male anatomy makes you a man” – strongly objectionable. It may as well make you trans, genderqueer or agender. As long as gay people continue to affirm an underlying biologically essentialist narrative of manhood, belying how ‘maleness’ may well overlap with other gendered subject positions, there can never be full equality for femmes within the ‘community’ as our worth will always ultimately be gauged by how well we can live up to our supposedly essential or underlying identity as ‘men’… similarly the idea of “collective brotherhood” is also foundationally exclusive; many gay femmes also relate to each other in terms of sisterhood even if they don’t otherwise want to change their “male anatomy”. Why can’t there be space for brotherhood, sisterhood as well as non-binary siblinghood?