Lately I’ve been dipping back into the pond of meeting people. And I’ve noticed that a lot of men are uncomfortable with sex talk. I wonder what that’s all about.
I’ve met some who go too far with it. Like, “Rape my a**.” We don’t wanna say it, but… “Humiliate me. Talk down and dirty to me.” And I’m just like, why?
Then there are the ones who just say they’re uncomfortable. And to be honest, who wants to lie there in silence? I always laugh when somebody’s not moaning and groaning. I’m like, am I doing the job right?
I’ve gotten in the habit of saying to guys, “I got you, I got you.” And the weird part is, they’re always asking me, “Why do you say that?” And I’m looking at them like, what? Because they’re not saying anything, and it’s uncomfortable.
A lot of people think sex talk is about performing. When I say sex talk, I mean reacting to the moment. If it’s feeling good, you should be responding. You want to be able to say something like, “Yeah, F me.” If you’re in total silence, how is your partner supposed to know if they’re doing something that’s hurting you, or something that doesn’t feel good, or something that’s really feeling good? How can they tell if you’re not saying anything?
Obviously, that kind of talk is what stimulates people during sex. For some guys, sex sounds and dirty talk are like taking a Viagra or an herbal supplement (RX Gold). As for me, a partner who’s comfortable talking in the bedroom is a major turn-on. A man who can tap into his inner sexy is a man I want to bring home to momma.
If you’re that uncomfortable talking during sex, well, my mother once told me, if you’re not laughing and making mistakes during intimacy, you’re not doing it right. And you’re telling me you take things so seriously that you can’t moan and groan and say, “Yeah, baby, do it. It feels good”? I mean, how does one know?
This is where I always ask, how do you know if you’re good in bed? I even have a video from my old podcast, Colorful Conversations with Connie and Corey, where we discussed this. I still feel the same way. Most guys I’ve been with are bad in bed. I’m not one of them, LOL. Sorry to whoever I’ve been in bed with. The reason is, they’ve been with performers, people who moan and groan and aren’t being honest that it ain’t doing nothing.
Hearing a man yell out your name during the down and dirty can make you feel great, and I believe it’s why some men are good in bed and others are not. Not to compare a man to a dog (no pun intended), but when you train a dog, you reward it when it does something right. Over time that dog learns to perform, and perform well, on command. Ever heard of Pavlov? It’s the same for men when they do something good in bed. The reward can be a verbal confirmation, which is why I find sex talk so important.
If you’re not saying anything, what are you thinking when you’re sleeping with someone? That’s what I want to know. I really want to take a poll. How many of you talk in bed? I’m curious to know.
I’ll be honest. I used to be one of those people who was scared to talk about it. Now, ooh, I say some naughty things. And when it’s all said and done, yes, when the climax of it all is over, I do feel a little embarrassed. But I know I did the deed, and it was fun.
Sex is supposed to be fun. So I don’t understand the concept of being uncomfortable with sex talk. A lot of people are already uncomfortable with body dysmorphia, or with not feeling good about their bodies. Why add that to the complexity of sex and intimacy?
I understand why some guys might be afraid to reveal their sexual fantasies. It may be fear of judgment. We all know some gay men can be a little preachy when they don’t agree with someone they’re attracted to. But if you’re worried about somebody judging you, I don’t think you should be in bed with that person. Why did they want to hook up with you? And why did they land in bed with you if they’re gonna judge you?
If your idea of dirty talk is based on what you see and hear in porn, it can make you afraid that you don’t sound right. Unfortunately, for a lot of gay men, sex education comes from watching porn. In our society, a conversation about sex is generally unacceptable. Our friends are great to talk to, because we learn from them. Personally, I’d rather get my sex education from a friend than from an unrealistic porn movie.
It’s so funny. We have a population of gay men who are free spirits and will say anything, do anything. Then we have a group that’s uncomfortable with sex talk, but feels that monogamy isn’t something gay men, or men in general, should strive for. It’s so contradictory. There are so many layers to the people I’ve met, and they have me understanding why people are so confused.
Some people feel sex is just an act, that it doesn’t mean anything. But obviously it must mean something, because if you’re uncomfortable with sex talk, it must mean more.
We all think everyone else is having great sex, but great sex is hit or miss. It doesn’t matter if you’re in bed with a long-time partner, a husband or a one-night stand. Great sex comes with a connection, when both of you are willing to share the experience together.
Now, yes, some of y’all take sex talk a little too far. “Daddy’s away, Mommy wants to play.” That’s molestation, so don’t do that. You wanna be consenting adults in your role-play talk. Shoot, it could be the NBA player and the coach. Yeah, the scandal of it all. Or the pizza delivery guy. Or the handyman putting a nail in the wall with his pants halfway down. Hey, that can be fun.
In role-play, you can use innuendos instead of harsh curse words. Like, “Oh, you’re hitting that nail so hard on that wall.” Or, “You’re hitting that nail just right.” Something like that. Make it funny and fun. You can do subliminal messaging when you’re talking, too. That’s all sexy.
When we go way out there with the raunchy talk (and you know gay men are into all kinds of stuff, pigs, all that kind of dirty talk), it can be stimulating. I ain’t gonna lie. But sometimes it’s a little too far.
When we’re in touch with our sexuality, we can talk freely about what we like and where our boundaries are without fear of being judged. Hell, a lot of times when a guy says, “This is not going to work,” I was thinking the same damn thing. I just wasn’t quick enough to say it. I was too wrapped up in my head wondering if it was me. Was I in the mood? Was I attracted to him?
Nobody should feel uncomfortable expressing themselves during sex. Hell, if it feels great, say it. Why are you holding back? “You’re f**king me so well” is instant access to another round!
Sex is about pleasure. If you’re uncomfortable talking freely during sex, you might want to reevaluate who you’re sleeping with and why.
So I’m just curious. Are you uncomfortable talking in bed?
Originally published January 29, 2019. Updated October 29, 2026.
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