When it comes to friends and dating, it’s a touchy situation. Sometimes our friends say things like, “Are you moving too fast?” Or they give their opinions about someone, because sometimes we talk too much to our friends.
My personal opinion is that friends should not give input on someone you’re dating. The exception is someone who’s abusive, violent or just downright not a nice person. When a friend sees you in danger, or sees things about that person you’re not seeing, it’s important that they speak up. But when you’re first dating someone, friends need to mind their damn business.
And you have to figure out who’s saying what, and who it’s coming from.
I’ve dated people in the past where everything was going well. Yes, it might have been moving a little fast, but love goes that way. It’s a love highway sometimes. And I can always tell when one of their friends said something to them. Everything’s going okay, we’re about to meet friends for dinner or for drinks, and he walks in, and there’s this coldness. A change. I’m always right about it.
When a friend says, “Are you moving too fast?” that statement gets under your skin. It’s like a virus. It grows in you fast, and it changes things. It makes you start wondering. Am I moving too fast? Maybe I should slow down. Maybe I don’t really like this person. It’s your friend’s opinion that swayed you from the relationship, not necessarily that the person wasn’t right for you. Maybe it was the speed. But fast relationships don’t always end fast. Some of them last a long time. When my best friend and I first met, it was like a speed demon, and we were together for over a decade. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how fast a relationship starts.
Then I always wonder about the friend who said it. Are they single? Sometimes I think friends are jealous. Maybe jealous is the wrong word. They’re worried they’re going to lose their running partner, as I call it. The person you go to the bar with, or to the movies. Friendships do change when there’s a new person in your life, and they have to make room for that person.
But do you need your friend’s approval? I don’t think so. I always say, are you dating the person? Are you sleeping with the person? Then you don’t have to approve of them.
Obviously, you want your friends and your partner, boyfriend, lover, whoever, to get along. But sometimes people just aren’t meant to get along. I’ve been in relationships where my friends didn’t really care for the person, and I kept them separate. But if you have to keep your friends and your partner separate, I believe that’s also the demise of a friendship.
I know it sounds contradictory. On one hand you’re saying you don’t care what your friends think of the person. On the other, you want to date somebody everybody gets along with. And then when your friends do get along with that person and want to stay friends after you break up, you’re pissed off, right? It’s a catch-22.
So yes, you want your friends to get along with whoever you’re dating. I get it. But do you truly need their approval? I don’t think so. They’re not with that person 24/7. Maybe they caught them on a bad day. Maybe your friends are hypercritical.
You have to wonder where the advice is coming from when friends talk about someone they barely know and met for two seconds. People are nervous when they meet your friends. They might give a different impression. It’s intimidating. I’ve had friends for over 30 years, and if somebody dated me, they’d be really nervous, especially meeting my best friend. He and I are ride or die best friends.
Sometimes friends don’t make the effort to get to know the person you’re dating. They see the outside, the superficial side, and they don’t ask the right questions. They don’t want to be around when you’re with your partner, and that makes it difficult.
So no, I don’t need my friends’ approval, even though it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to hear it, because nine times out of ten my friends are horrible at dating too. Half the people making a statement aren’t in successful relationships themselves.
I’m not a dating expert. I’ve been writing about dating for decades, and you don’t have to take my opinion on it. But my best friend and I are still best friends. So what can I say?
If your friends feel open enough to say something, take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes we don’t see it, and we have to learn the lesson ourselves. But if it’s a personality issue, I don’t pay attention, because my friends may have a different standard than I do. They’re not sleeping with the person. They spend an hour or two with them, at the most.
A lot of friends feel they can put their thoughts and opinions into other people’s relationships, and I don’t think that’s appropriate. You don’t need your friends’ validation on who you sleep with or who you’re dating. If that person makes you happy, isn’t abusive, isn’t cheating on you, isn’t lying to you, and treats you nice overall, I don’t think your friends have the right to say anything.
The lead image was created with AI.
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