The number is unknown, but upwards of 60,000 donor conceived births take place every year. Straight-coupled, single parents, and same-sex couples would not have the families they do today without the assistance of sperm and egg donors. But, there are serious alarm bells sounding around the serious lack of regulation of the industry and of the need for greater awareness and understanding of the human condition playing out as donor conceived children learn about who they are and who they are related to.
In June 2016, Wendy Kramer, Co-Founder and Director of the Donor Sibling Registry, wrote a very timely and intriguing piece on the state of the sperm/egg donor industry which if you didn’t know is a multi-billion dollar, unregulated (or rather self-regulated) industry. In her article on Huffington Post, she argues that there needs to be more accountability in the industry and from the story I heard recently which got me interested in this topic I would have to agree.
A close and trusted friend relayed a recent conversation he had with a new friend of his living in LA. The lesbian mother he just met, with her partner, used a sperm donor to conceive their family. Low and behold, the couple learned that their children have about 52 half-siblings living within just miles of each other. Many of the lesbian couples and other celebrities in the neighborhood, also raising their families, had selected the same sperm donor, so now they have to find a way to explain to their children who are getting older and engaging in activities with each other, that they have a genetic relationship with some of their friends. How that plays out is still an unknown for this family.
The issue of unknown genetic relationships is nothing new. In 2013 Emily Yoffee, aka Dear Prudence on Slate.com, responded to someone purporting he learned he and his wife were siblings after they were married and had children. He was to a point where he could not comfortably think about being with his wife since the thought of her being his sister became so prevalent in his mind. And if you missed it, check out the New York Times story in 2011 on One Sperm Donor, 150 Offspring.
More recently, however, families who learn they used the same donor are being more open and willing to connect with each other. People Magazine reported on six mothers who brought their seven children of one donor together for a reunion.
Also in 2015 The Hollywood Reporter wrote 23 Hollywood Moms with Same Sperm Donor and One Crazy Vacation. In a not so different story than relayed by my good friend, the article introduces us to Sarah Fain, a TV writer-producer for The Shield and The Vampire Diaries, who at the age of 37 decided to become a single mom. When her daughter Violet became a toddler and Fain took her to music class one day, she met two other toddlers who looked extremely “familiar” to Violet. “Fain went home and checked her Facebook group comprising 15 families who had conceived with her same open donor. She recalls: ‘There they were,’ just a mile and a half away.”
Through all of these complex human, biological, economic, and oftentimes very legal matters, the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) developed. It was founded in 2000 to assist individuals conceived as a result of sperm, egg or embryo donation who are seeking to make mutually desired contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. According to their site, “without any outside support, the DSR has single-handedly pioneered a national discussion about the donor conception industry and families, with its many media appearances and interviews. DSR advocates for the right to honesty and transparency for donor kids, and for social acceptance, legal rights and valuing the diversity of all families. The DSR’s core value is honesty, with the conviction that people have the fundamental right to information about their biological origins and identities.” Today, over 33% of the registered members identify as an LGBT family type.
Let’s take a look at the numbers which alone provide evidence for the need for greater regulation of this industry and discussion on the topic. The number of sperm banks has rapidly increased since 1988, and logically so has the number of donors. But, the number of donor conceived births is literally unknown. How is it that the dairy livestock industry and thoroughbred race horse industry are so highly regulated and track every birth of every insemination, yet the human donor insemination industry is not. The last known attempt to calculate the number of births through donor insemination was 28 years ago. Back then it was estimated to be 30,000 in the 1986/87 year. Today, no one knows but media and even academics keep using the 28-year old number.
Think about that, if the number of sperm banks and the number of donors has increased, a more alarming change is indeed the opportunity for what’s called kinship acquaintance. In 1988 it was essentially a non-issue, not thought about, or thought to be out of the realm of possibility for donors or offspring of the same donors to know one another, but today, as seen in more and more articles it’s a real and important issue. It is reassuring that many families are more aware and are more open to understanding the need for “diblings” – donor-conceived siblings – to meet and know one another.
In the end I think this is less a political issue and more a human and social issue. Those within and external to the families most immediately affected must continue the conversation and be aware to the human condition that will continue to develop as new versions of what it means to be a family come further into our existence.
