We’ve recently written about the conundrums of marriage and open relationships, and differences in sex drives when you’re in a monogamous relationship, and lately I have been exploring polyamory which has been all the rage this year.
Even as a gay man, years ago I struggled with the notion of same-sex marriage. My boyfriend of many years regularly called my resistance to being married into question throughout our time together. My struggle with the notion of same-sex marriage even contributed to our relationship of 10 years ultimately coming to an end. One of the issues I got caught up in was the close ties that marriage has to religion. Over time, however, I developed a different understanding. The LGBTQ community gained a victory with same-sex marriage being made legal in all 50 states and I would not deny someone else the opportunity to live in a legally defined relationship with the protections that come with that, but I wonder if further redefinitions of marriage are the best course of action. I know some will quickly point fingers to my hetero-normative upbringing and how I have internally shamed myself for years and it’s just a matter of me accepting a new reality and coming to terms with years of self-hate and self-shaming and acknowledging that society embedded within me Judaeo-Christian norms and values.
But I have to question, as our understandings of polyamorous relationships develop, why are advocates attempting to redefine current definitions and legal protections rather than creating new ones. After all, greater acceptance and understanding of polyamorous relationships would certainly create new ways of thinking, living, and being. So let’s just call it what it is rather than attempting to redo what’s been done. Universal values of love, trust, ethics, and fidelity are seamlessly integrated into true polyamorous relationships so let’s start there and define what it would look like if granted legal protections.
For those unfamiliar with the term polyamory it may not be what you think. Yes, it is similar to what you know as open relationships, but it is so much more.
Polyamory was formally defined in a dictionary roughly 10 years ago. In September 2006, the word “polyamory” was published in the Oxford English Dictionary:
The fact of having simultaneous close emotional relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned.
“polyamory, n.”. OED Online. June 2016. Oxford University Press. http://ezproxy.library.nyu.edu:3578/view/Entry/252745?redirectedFrom=polyamory& (accessed August 24, 2016).
Even though polyamorous relationships may allow sex with more than one person, they do not give one license to sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Polyamory is not simply about multiple sexual relationships with more than one person. What defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. All relationships should involve honesty, respect, and compassion and polyamory is more about developing the relationship not about having sex.
And polyamorous relationships, like others, involve rules and agreements which can be much more complex than your run-of-the-mill monogamous relationship. The stability of a polyamorous relationship can certainly take a turn South if one of the members breaks the rules and commits infidelity or becomes jealous. Like any relationship there are rules of engagement. In a monogamous relationship the expectation is you are committed emotionally and sexually to one other individual. In a polyamorous relationship all parties involved are committed to each other in some agreed upon manner of involvement.
These rules could range from having sex with partners within a pre-defined group, not gaining emotional attachment to others, limiting the type of sexual activity or volume of sex with other partners, having sexual relationships only in certain geographical locations, the rules could be whatever the members agree to. Breaking the established rules is just as unsettling in this type of relationship as in a monogamous one, but as More Than Two (a site devoted to polyamory and ethical non-monogamy) mentions the hurt could run deeper since you would be letting down and disappointing two or more people rather than just one.
As individuals we have options for developing our relationships. One of the most important factors in building successful relationships is communication and doing what YOU are comfortable with. I’d like to call this being authentic. According to recent research of Yi Nan Wang of Beijing University, people risk their relationship when their desire for agency (a focus only on the self) fails to be in harmony with their desire for communion (focusing on others to the exclusion of the self. You can’t follow your own pursuit of truth, so the theory goes, unless you also recognize that other people have needs and ideas as well. By the same token, you don’t want to be so directed by others that you lose touch with your own values and principles. Even with your closest partner, or perhaps especially so, you want to find that ideal, middle ground. Through “balanced authenticity” you reach that optimal level of taking the feelings of your partner into account while still allowing your true self to shine through (Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D., Psychology Today). It’s critical if you are exploring a polyamorous relationship you understand the give and take necessary and you understand what both you and your partners need.
Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CASA, CSE, an expert in the area of polyamory also notes in Psychology Today, that a polyamorous relationship is not a way out of a relationship in which you currently feel unhappy. Considering polyamory as a “one-foot-out-the-door” strategy should be immediately reconsidered. “Not only is your original relationship unlikely to survive the rigors of honest communication and complex feelings, but you will most likely hurt the other people you date in your polyamorous experimentation. If you know things are really over, then break up with your former relationship completely and take a moment to catch your breath before plunging in to a poly relationship. It will save everyone involved excruciating pain.”
Discussions and articles on polyamory are everywhere this year and polyamorists are in the midst of creating an advocacy program to educate the public and to develop greater social acceptance of polyamorous relationships. Interestingly, some writers have attempted to argue that polyamory is the same as sexual orientation, likely to more easily garner legal protection. But, Dan Savage wrote in his column Savage Love in 2012 that it’s not:
Poly is not a sexual identity, PP, it’s not a sexual orientation. It’s not something you are, it’s something you do. There’s no such thing as a person who is “a poly,” just as there’s no such thing as a person who is “a monogamous.” Polyamorous and monogamous are adjectives, not nouns. There are only people—gay, straight, bi—and some people are in monogamous relationships, some are in open relationships, some are in polyamorous relationships, some are in monogamish relationships, some are in four-star-general relationships. These are relationship models, PP, not sexual identities.
Writer and social worker Miri attempts to squash what she calls a semantic debate over polyamory as an orientation or a choice and gets right to the point, “Even if polyamory is as much a choice as which color of nail polish to get at the salon, you still shouldn’t judge people for practicing it–first of all because it’s got nothing to do with you, and second because it’s a valid relationship style that should be affirmed like any other. I celebrate any choice that makes someone happier and healthier and doesn’t harm anyone else.”
There could and should be greater understanding and acceptance of polyamorous relationships. Like many things in life, relationship types are along a continuum with some of us at the far ends and others somewhere along the spectrum. While I agree with polyamorous activist and writer Redfern Jon Barrett who writes in Pink News, “All loving, adult relationships are valid…Gay or straight, lesbian or bi, monogamous or polyamorous, all of us deserve to live and love equally to one another. All of us deserve recognition under the law,” where I differ is in the approach taken to gain those legal protections.
