Sunday, June 19, 2016 will mark Father’s Day in the United States and many other countries around the world. The day is meant to be “a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.” (Wikipedia)
Same-sex adoption (which is now legal in all 50 states (Huffington Post)) and parenting have become more widely accepted both legally and socially. Of the 594,000 same-sex couple households in the United States, 115,000 have children. (Life Long Adoptions) The Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law also reported “an estimated 37% of LGBT-identified adults have had a child at some time in their lives.” (LGBT Parenting in the United States, Gary Gates, February 2013). The fact is, there are gay dads, and plenty of them.
And while many people may argue that a child needs both a father and a mother there are many who believe gender does not matter. You can draw your own conclusion on that notion, but you should first review information at “The What We Know Project” at Columbia Law School. This online research portal marks a path-breaking convergence of scholarship, public policy and new media technology. It focuses on several pressing public policy debates. “What We Know” brings together in one place the preponderance of scholarly evidence that informs these debates.
The What We Know Project compiled and reviewed 78 scholarly studies and titled their results “What does the scholarly research say about the wellbeing of children with gay or lesbian parents?”
Of the 78 studies, they identified 74 that conclude that children of gay or lesbian parents fare no worse than other children and 4 studies that conclude that children of gay or lesbian parents face added disadvantages (but there is some fine print to this conclusion). “Taken together, this research forms an overwhelming scholarly consensus, based on over three decades of peer-reviewed research, that having a gay or lesbian parent does not harm children.”
NYC-based husbands Brian Rosenberg and Ferd van Gameren, the proud fathers of three young children understand that gay dads are everywhere from big cities to the suburbs and even in the bible belt. Their site GaysWithKids.com helps gay men navigate fatherhood. I had a chance to talk with them about some of the unique challenges faced by gay dads and to learn more about their experiences and the support they are offering on their site.
Our readers are interested in knowing what are some of the experiences gay dads have as it relates to being “mainstream” and having children, especially toddlers and very young children. Do they always encounter the “mom and dad” notion among strangers they encounter?
There are many common questions we gay dads receive from inquisitive onlookers. Many of these questions are actually pretty personal in nature and we are often surprised that people feel comfortable voicing these questions to the gay dads they know or just meet. To have some fun, we created a video on the topic.
A colleague recently shared an awkward moment when he and his husband applied for their twins’ passports. The agent just wasn’t getting that they were the children’s parents (ie. two fathers). He explained that she wasn’t being malicious but rather she just wasn’t understanding. What are some strategies for dealing with strangers who aren’t understanding that same-sex parents exist?
Funny, we had the same experience a few weeks ago when we were trying to get our girls new passports. The agent asked us several times where the girls’ mother was. We patiently explained several times that the girls were ours, that they had two dads and no mom, and that the paperwork showed as much. (We even showed the original adoption order.) The agent at first seemed annoyed; a little later he admitted he’d never handled a situation like ours before. He disappeared for a few minutes, and when he returned everything went very smoothly. The strategy that works best? Gay dads can be a new thing to some; take your time to explain your family make-up patiently and in a friendly manner.
What are some awkward moments you’ve encountered or learned of through Gays With Kids and how were they overcome?
Personally? Some people will say to our kids “Where’s your mommy?” Usually not out of malice but out of habit. We think we have the obligation to our kids to react simply and honestly every time it happens: “No, she doesn’t have a mommy; she has two dads,” or something like that. I remember a situation at the dentist, who said to my son, “Show your new toothbrush to your dad!” She meant to me, but I’m Papa, not Dad; Daddy wasn’t there, and so my son was confused. I had to explain to her why my son wasn’t reacting the way she expected him to. And I explained to my son later that day that he has two dads, one named Daddy, one named Papa.
When asked about “coming out” to his children, the same colleague explained that his children are still too young to understand what sexual orientation is all about, but he hopes that it will be a non-issue if the time arrives. Is the notion of “coming out” still relevant for gay parents, especially for those who raise their children from birth? Have you had to “come out” to your children and what was that experience like?
Yes, coming out is absolutely relevant for gay parents. It’s important that your kids understand in an age appropriate manner that their dad or dads are gay. It’s really easy to do this starting when your children are still young. For one, there are so many more books on the subject now than even a few years ago. Next, just explain to your kids that many kids have a mommy and a daddy, some kids have just a mommy or just a daddy, and some kids have two mommies or two daddies. And that being gay simply means that if you are a man you fall in love with another man. Or if you are a woman, you fall in love with another woman.
We remind our kids that they know gay dads personally! Not only us, but good family friends. And we remind them about our wedding and our friends’ wedding they’ve attended. That makes it fairly easy for them to understand.
Coming out is something we do daily. Daily! Our kids’ classmates ask, “Who is that?” “My dad.” “And who is that?” “I’m her papa!” (Or sometimes “Her other dad!”)
When we invite our kids’ classmates for a play date via email or text massage, we always make clear in the very first sentence that our kids have two dads. We don’t want there to be any confusion or awkwardness later. If the kids’ parents don’t like it, then they shouldn’t make the play date.
I imagine that gay dads who have raised their children from birth might have challenges when confronted with the question “where’s my mommy”? What are some strategies for handling that situation?
We have told our kids from a very young age the (age-appropriate) stories of their births and how we came to be a family. (Here’s Levi’s “how you came to us” story, he came to us through adoption; here’s our twin daughters’ “how you came to us” story, they came to us through surrogacy.) So they know how they became part of our family, how they were born. Nonetheless, for a few weeks one of our then 2-year-old girls would cry “Mommy!” from time to time, probably because it’s what she heard other kids in her day care do whenever they were upset. It just went away.
How about single fathers who are gay? What issues does a single father who’s gay have to contend with?
Well, they have all the issues we’ve mentioned above, plus all the issues of being a single parent i.e. juggling parenthood, work and, when they are able to consider it, even making time for themselves. As Hillary Clinton once said, it takes a village to raise a child and we couldn’t agree more! We’ve found that most single gay dads are adept at creating villages of loving and responsible adults to help support them. Even so, these men often impress us with their unwavering dedication to their children. We think of these dads as unsung heroes, and so we try to profile them regularly on Gays With Kids, and more specifically on a weekly column we call #SingleGayDadSunday.
Tell us more about Gays With Kids. What is it and how does it support same-sex parents?
We help gay dads navigate fatherhood by sharing stories about how we create our families and issues that arise while raising them. We also address topics of interest to gay dads and dads-to-be that are typically not covered by other LGBT or mainstream media. Finally, by normalizing the gay family experience, we hope to inspire a new generation of gay dads.
Our mission is to make sure every gay dad feels welcome, represented and connected regardless of his path to fatherhood of where he lives.
