Internalized Gay Ageism is a Real Thing, and Here’s One Way to Fight It
It’s no secret that gay culture is youth obsessed, look no further than your local Most Woof’d List to confirm, but recent research (ScienceDirect) has now proven that getting old as a gay man has actual adverse affects on mental health.
The study coined the term ‘internalized gay ageism,’ to refer to that unique crossover between internalized homophobia and internalized ageism that gay men face as they age, which have a compounding effect and are linked to increased depression.
We receive certain negative messages from society about what it means to be gay over the course of our lives, and certain negative messages from the gay community about what it means to grow old. As prideful and resilient as we might be, it’s impossible to avoid internalizing some of those messages. Once internalized, those messages cause us to be at war with ourselves, which causes stress and depression.
I hear my clients talking about this issue all the time in therapy. There is a sense of invisibility in the community as we grow older that causes a lot of psychic and emotional pain, especially at a time in life when we feel like we have a lot to offer the world. This sense of invisibility triggers feelings of rejection and inadequacy that we felt when we were first coming into our gay identities.
Luckily, researchers have also found one factor that helps to buffer against the stress and depression caused by internalized gay ageism. Mattering.
Mattering refers to the degree you feel important in the world around you. It means feeling like people care about you, or think about you, or seek your advice.
Mattering should be something that we should all be consciously cultivating, especially as we grow older. The best way that I’ve seen my older gay clients gain a sense of mattering is by joining a group, whether that means a support group, a special interest/hobby group, a religious/spiritual group, or a therapy group. I run HIV support groups where the older men in the group are constantly asked advice and given praise for their experience. It’s very powerful and transformative.
Finally, if you’re a younger gay man reading this, get off your perky, rounded ass and start building meaningful relationships with older gay men. Think of everything that they have gone through over the years to clear the way for you, and not only that, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship. You get the wisdom of your elders and an intimate connection without all the competitiveness and angst, and they get a sense of mattering that protects them from depression. Win win.
Learn more about psychotherapy services for the LGBTQ community at Kull Initiative for Psychotherapy (KIP Therapy).
