As gay men aging, we watch the years float by us; a scary time machine ride so fast that we look up and find ourselves asking, “where did the time go?” In our community we are either embraced by family and friends or rejected by them because of our sexuality. It’s scary to think a handful of gay men will die alone, never knowing true friendship or what it means to be in love.
“We’re twice as likely to be single and to live alone, and three to four times as likely to be childless. And many of us are estranged from our families of origin, and so are only half as likely as our heterosexual counterparts to have close relatives to lean on for help.” Adding salt to these wounds, a 2004 study, “Old, Gay, and Alone?” reported that 44 percent of older gay men “feel disconnected from or even un-welcomed by younger generations of L.G.B.T. people.” (New York Times)
Aging gay men have been conditioned to believe they were less than and not worthy of love. However, that’s not the case these days and aging gay men are beginning faced with serious issues that we need to address. Questions arise like “who will we grow old with” or “who will be there to take care of us when we are unable to take care of ourselves?” It’s not the easiest discussion but it’s one I believe we should start addressing.
“Respect your elders” is a saying I grew up with. My neighbor is one elder who I respected and considered a mentor. His recent passing was not only shocking but a pinnacle moment in my life. It has raised the issue of aging as a gay man in today’s society. He was not just a neighbor but someone I looked up to. He was an African-American man who was always sharply dressed from head to toe. Most importantly he was a man who never judged me or made me feel less than anything. He was a man with character and a soul so pure. I am not sure what his sexual orientation was but I felt like he was a man I could look up to.
As a gay African-American it’s often hard to find aging role models to look up to. I am honored I have had some men in my life who I could look up to and my neighbor was a graceful and distinguished African-American man who was not just a mentor but someone who inspired me to be a better man.
We’re not getting any younger and we will have to face the issues that come with aging and sadly death. Whether we like it or not it’s a harsh reality; a reality we all have to deal with sooner or later. Coming to terms with growing older can be difficult in the gay community. But middle-aged men are inventing new strategies to cope.
In a recent series of interviews, Christopher Hajek, a communications professor at the University of Texas-San Antonio, talked to 40 middle-aged gay men about growing older. One had a particularly negative opinion of guys his age who dye their hair and wear tight jeans. “You’ll see a 40-something TOFA [Too Old for Abercrombie] wearing these clothes and my friends and I will laugh,” the man told Hajek. “You can’t control getting older but you can control looking like a fool. We’re scared of aging more than a lot of other people would be,” he says. “Ask younger guys what their future will be like, and a lot of them say they have no idea. They don’t perceive of a future, because they think they’re not going to have kids. They don’t have landmarks for progression through life that a lot of heterosexual people have.”
Aging as a gay man is not easy and one we all have to one day consider. Whether it’s funeral arrangements, life insurance, or our final wishes, who will you trust with this information? It’s a topic no one wants to think about. However, with the recent passing of my neighbor, Mr. Carl Younger, I am beginning to think about something I rarely want to talk about.
“To sum this up, aging is not what should be feared in our community. Embrace it with all of your being and be thankful, for there are some that didn’t make it to that milestone. Think of your age as opportunities to change your life and others for the better not limitations. Always love yourself, every wrinkle, grey hair and know that is not what makes you valuable or beautiful, your heart does that.” (Back2Stonewall)
