I’m a gay man, 46 years old who grew up in a small town in upstate New York. My elementary school class was roughly twenty students and my high school graduating class was about 105 students. I come from a small town but I moved away.
I went away to college, lived for some time in Chicago and then moved to New York City in 1994. I am extremely happy in my career and my life is enriched by having many long-term, close, intimate relationships with my friends.
Over the past five to seven years, several “what if’s” have been randomly popping up in my head and I had not yet given them serious consideration until recently. I’ve been thinking about what if I need to move home and take on caregiving responsibilities for a family member.
My grandmother is now 87 years old. She gets by just fine, but… She’s still independent, gets to her Rebekah meetings, and takes regular trips to one of the nearby casinos. She hasn’t had to face dementia and is deeply engaged in being the all-knowing person for what’s happening in the family. She had seven children, with six still alive. The “sisters” as they are called, and family friends still live relatively close to one another and take on different roles in providing support and care for granny. I’m not concerned about having to return to care for my grandmother since she has many potential caregivers nearby already. But just hearing the questions and concerns being discussed by my aunts makes me think “what if?”
When my mom needed significant back surgery several years ago and then hip surgery a few years after that, a thought sparked in my mind which hasn’t popped up again until recently. She has started to experience more pain. Since she’s mobile and has a husband who can assist with things, it’s not like I have to rush home and care for her, however, the “what if” has come back.
Adding to the fact that my family members are getting older, my business partner has been assisting his own mother with healthcare matters. He’s had to face questions over the past two years he wasn’t ready or necessarily able to consider quite yet, including questions about end-of-life care for his mother when she landed in the critical care unit on a ventilator.
As I did some quick research I learned that LGBT individuals face particular concerns when it comes to caregiving for a parent or loved one. For one thing, we’re more likely to be providing care.
A 2010 study by LGBT Aging Issues Network and the Metlife Mature Market reported that LGBT respondents are slightly more likely to have provided care to an adult friend or relative in the past six months: 21% versus 17% for general population.
Also, there is a higher percentage of LGBT caregivers versus the general population who are assisting two people. And we are providing more care hours per week. The average number of hours per week LGBT people care for a loved one is 36, compared to 29 hours for caregivers in the general population.
It does appear from what I’ve read that we experience many of the same issues as non-LGBT individuals when deciding and providing care for a loved one. However, when we consider having to move back home many of us (LGBT individuals) have to face other concerns, particularly if our family and friends were or are not accepting of who we are. How are we going to interact with our parent or neighbors if some topics are simply not discussed?
On the other hand, returning home to care for a parent can be an opportunity for a positive experience. You are returning care that was provided to you as a child, hopefully you’re sharing love, you may learn more about your parent that you may not have learned growing up, and you may experience personal growth.
There are a few folks who have shared their experiences, such as Jonathan G. Silin who tells his story which is an increasingly common experience: a gay man caring for his elderly parents in My Father’s Keeper.
Jim Duke shares his experience as a gay son as a caregiver and the similar experiences of others he has come in contact with. And more recently, Terry Gross from the Fresh Air program on NPR interviewed George Hodgman, author of “Bettyville.” Hodgman visited his mother Betty for her 91st birthday in Paris, Missouri in 2011. When he saw she needed care, he left Manhattan to live with her. But she still hasn’t accepted that he’s gay.
I haven’t read My Father’s Keeper, but many of the issues Duke and Hodgman share, I’m sure are ones I may have to consider. Don’t read this and think I’m having to rush home, that’s not what’s going on. But my elders are growing older. And as I grow older, there are new questions and considerations I’ll have to be making.
