Here is today’s bit of commentary on the social behaviors of gay men. Being a gay man over 40 in a gay bar in 2016 can be comical and quite interesting. In my youth when I went out I was often blinded by “good-looks” and got caught up in my surroundings, the darkness, the flashing lights, booming sounds of the DJ, the alcohol, other “treats,” and all the other good looking men. I’d often find myself hooking up with and spending time with other good looking people. At that time we were all hung up with being associated with a certain “crowd” and hooking up was our primary purpose for going to a bar or club. It wasn’t until the past few years that another friend opened my eyes to why others might be in a bar.
If you research the history of the “bar” or tavern in the US, you’ll learn that it was an important meeting place for people to come together to discuss issues of the day and later became important to the leisure time of the middle class. There have been some relatively recent articles out there that suggest men over 40 who are in bars suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome and they are merely trolls looking to bring down younger guys’ party time.
If you asked blogger Dalton Heinrich he would say, if you’re over 40 you should stay out of the bars. “This portion of grown men clinging to the wild nights and serial dating of their twenties seem to live in a secret Neverland.” One of my retorts to that would be in line with Madonna who once told an interviewer, “are you just supposed to die when you’re over 40?”
There may have been a point in my life where I might have agreed with Heinrich, but now that I’m older I understand bars provide an important gathering space where friends (of any age) can come together to catch up, spend time with each other, relax, enjoy the music, check out the eye candy, and just let their hair down. My assumption is that as you get older, you have more responsibilities and priorities, so your main purpose in going to a bar is likely different than when you were in your twenties. It’s not always about the hook-up. With such negative opinions out there about older men in bars, it’s no wonder some men of a certain age decide not to go out.
This weekend, I had the luxury of time and decided to go to Rise, a new hot spot here in New York City. It was a great time for several reasons and I will definitely start to frequent this place. As a first-timer to Rise, the vibe was upbeat and the music was phenomenal. There was a mixture of classics and current beats perfect for gay men in their 40’s. Men over 40 are often desensitized to the new experience of a new bar and the potential that could come with seeing and interacting in a new environment. Rise in particular had a youthful blend of charm and chicness that a mature man would feel comfortable in.
While there I realized that being 40-something means I’ve attained a certain level of maturity, patience, and wisdom and I have become more observant of and pay attention to the behavior of other guys. While listening to the music and watching the videos, a group of guys, who were just slightly younger than my friend and me, sat at the table across from us. Like normal I glanced over to check them out.
As an African-American male it’s a running joke in my head that in a sea of white friends there is always that one handsome black guy in the group. And that was the case with these guys. In this group of guys, one in particular appeared to be with the black guy but after several glances towards me I started to wonder if he was really with him or just distancing himself to give me the illusion he was unattached. My friend began to also notice that the tall hottie was trying to sum up whether my friend and I were a couple. Ironically, I was doing the same. Our subtle glances happened all night almost to a point of annoyance.
Throughout the evening the body language between the two guys kept shifting leaving me more miffed about their relationship status. It’s never easy when you’re with a small group of friends and find someone across the bar to be intriguing. You’re no longer present with the group and you tend to focus on that intriguing other guy across the bar. It’s still unclear what the story was between the guy I found cute and the other guy, but I can say it’s all even more uncomfortable when one of the guys in the group is someone you’re newly dating.
From our bird’s-eye view my friend and I had full access to observe this comical and interesting dilemma. Sure it’s a feel good moment when a guy keeps peaking over to look at you, however, is it appropriate to confidently walk over to the group to introduce yourself, especially if you think the guy might be dating one of the other guys? It’s not like they were holding hands or kissing or anything...
Waiting for that intentional bathroom run-in is something I used to do in my late 20’s but nothing like that sounds appealing in my 40’s. Of course if it happens organically then well, what can I say…
The adventures of flirting, dating, and going out after 40 is so much better than when you were in your 20’s because hopefully you now respect the process and you see things differently.
co-author: John S. Myers
