Jealousy is a bitch. I recently watched a heated argument between a “couple” in a bar and it was apparent they considered yelling an effective form of communication. A relationship between two men can be rewarding, but also complex and challenging because a large population of men don’t know how to communicate, effectively listen, or express their emotions.
I believe genetically men are natural-born hunters. Hunting requires almost complete silence in order to capture your next meal. It’s no wonder why men go silent and fail to share or communicate how they feel especially when confronted with conflict.
But of course we have evolved from being hunters. It’s ever more important to communicate with the one we’re with, whether it’s our husband or our one night stand. Failure to communicate early can lead to a long list of misunderstandings and feelings being disregarded when it matters the most. It’s exactly why the argument between the couple in the bar continued to escalate. I don’t believe it’s jealously that ruins relationships, it’s the lack of communication and dealing with the truth.
In the case of the couple in the bar, when the one guy’s interest was directed toward someone else, I knew what was going to happen next. He completely moved his entire body and chair to chat with the hotties and gave no regard to the person he was with.
After I heard, “I am leaving” in a tone we are all familiar with, I knew it was due to lack of communication. Needless to say, I don’t have to continue because you can imagine what happened next. It wasn’t pretty.
The behavior of a person scorned can be a dangerous thing. And in this case, it was classic. The scorned person left, but came back several times begging, pleading, and making a scene. All of this could have been avoided!
The lack of communication is the reason for jealousy. We often avoid communicating because most often it involves telling the truth. Did you know there is a difference between the truth and being honest? Your truth is your inner spirit which guides you through life and is based on your experiences, perceptions, desires, culture, and individual goals in life. Honesty implies a lack of deceit and has to do with having integrity in what you do and say.
“Research has linked several traits to greater jealousy (Psychology Today):
- Low self-esteem.
- Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.
- Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.
- Dependence on your partner: Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.
- Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.
- An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough. Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.
All of these factors that relate to jealousy are about the insecurities of the jealous person, not about the love they have for their partner.”
Dr. Seidman continues, “Sometimes jealousy is justified: If your partner has had an affair and has betrayed your trust, for example, that is a serious issue. If you are jealous because you’re involved with someone who doesn’t seek monogamy, while you do, then your jealous feelings may be a good reason to leave the relationship and seek someone whose relationship goals are more compatible with yours. But when you get jealous over ‘stupid things,’ you’re not showing love; you’re revealing your own insecurities.”
The couple in the bar were arguing for those very reasons; because they were not communicating their true intentions. One person was hoping for a monogamous relationship while the other was not.
