The social climate for topics of race and racism is hot. However, in the gay community the topic of race and how it impacts us and manifests itself is something that is never talked about.
During a recent conversation, the question was asked, “How do you feel about the N-word being used during sex?” I believe it’s absurd to think it would be considered sexually appealing or erotic to say, “fuck me N…” during sex.
As a Gay African-American man of a certain age I would find it offensive and disrespectful if a white guy I were sleeping with were to consider the N-word acceptable pillow talk.
In fact, several years ago, I met a guy online. We hooked-up and it was going to be hot. We were physically attracted to one another and it was about to get popping. In the middle of our deep make-out session he uttered the words, “fuck me N…!” I could not believe my ears! Giving him the benefit of the doubt I asked him calmly, “What did you say?” From his reaction I believe he was shocked that I was displeased.
The gay community is notorious for bedroom vernacular that some find raunchy, dirty, or even derogatory. How the N-word is used will forever be an issue because we as a society are afraid to admit that it’s a word filled with hatred; a hatred intertwined in the fabric of our history.
“The word, nigger, carries with it much of the hatred and disgust directed toward Black Africans and African Americans. Historically, nigger defined, limited, made fun of, and ridiculed all Blacks. It was a term of exclusion, a verbal reason for discrimination. Whether used as a noun, verb, or adjective, it strengthened the stereotype of the lazy, stupid, dirty, worthless nobody. No other American surname carries as much purposeful cruelty.” (African-American Registry)
It’s no secret the N-word was once used by whites to degrade black Americans, but now its meaning has been completely flipped and it’s used as a term of endearment. When I told a close friend I was writing on the topic of the N-word and sex, his response was clear that some African-American men are not bothered by this horrific form of bedroom talk, “Oh shit! You’re taking it there. It’s bedroom talk though anything goes lol. ‘Fuck me you big black nigga!!!’”
Maybe I should pose the question more broadly, “What labeling is appropriate in the bedroom?” Would it be acceptable for a black guy to say, “Give me that cock you fucking honkey cracker!” I admit it’s all debatable but it’s a conversation intelligent gay men should be able to have.
During my research and browsing through forums on the topic I found the responses to be mixed. Some of course felt it was a master-and-slave fetish and others thought it was a term of endearment. Even though it’s during sex, an intimate moment, can you still consider it a term of endearment when it’s a white guy saying the N-word to a black guy?
In one of the forums where a question about race play was asked this was one response that stood out to me, “There are a lot of things that come out during the heat of passion & when I say ‘passion,’ I’m not just talking about sex. But, in your case sex applies & when these ‘outbursts’ may appear fair seeming at first, it’s apparent there’s some concealed dementedness [sic].”
Race play (as defined on Urban Dictionary) is considered on the edge of edgy sex but in recent years guys are becoming comfortable with publicly speaking about it. When I was called the N-word during sex it made me feel worthless and dirty. It’s puzzling to me how other African-Americans find it acceptable and are not offended by it during sex. Personally, I find it offensive, but as an intelligent person I realize it’s a personal preference.
Whatever your opinion, race play is something that should be discussed with your partner prior to sex. Racial slurs (no matter in what context they’re used) are tricky and you could wind up saying it to the wrong person.
