After my first date this year with X (after a two year hiatus of being single) I went from being a sane, happy-go-lucky person into a depressed, insecure, mess.
The date went well, X came over we had a few drinks, watched a movie, listened to jazz we discussed our heritage, taste in clothes, food and sex. But there was no sex! I assumed this was because X really liked me and wanted to take things slowly (maybe X did like me at the time). X said, “Call me, lets hang out again”. So I did call X, again and again and again. I got lukewarm responses, one-word answers, vague replies and then…silence. WTF happened!
From my side, there were no red flags, no obvious issues I really liked X and we clicked, so why didn’t X feel the same.
After five days of eating ice cream and Chinese take out, putting on 5 pounds in weight and looking like I had been dragged through a dirt track it hit me like a glitter wreaking ball. X reflected on our date and decided we did not match.
It sounds very simple, why did it take me a week of crying, stalking, calling and pestering for me to realise the fucking obvious. The reason being, denial is the sister of valium. By this I mean it hurts to see the truth, its easier to pretend that maybe X was just busy, X did not see my 56 missed calls or X lost my number so did not know it was me calling. All bullshit excuses.
Gay men are programmed to fit into labels. You are a ‘bear’ or ‘otter’ or a ‘dom’ etc. You are ‘top’ or ‘bottom’. You are looking to settle down or want no strings attachment fun. There is no flexibility in the gay dating world. These labels make it almost impossible to get to know someone as they really are, because we are wearing rose tinted glasses that skew our perception on reality. We here:
“I had a lovely time, thanks for meeting me.” Instead of: “Thanks for the drinks, but I think I’m going home now.”
We date as if we are watching a movie, waiting for the kiss, the embrace, the drama, and the sex, instead of living the present moment, enjoying the simple pleasure of getting to know someone with no expectations. Allowing us the freedom to ‘actively listen’ instead of just ‘passively listening’.
Upon reflection, I had to ask instead of me burdening myself with a million questions why X never called back, why did I want X to call back? Why was it so necessary to my well being that I placed a complete stranger who I had met only once above my own needs?
In X, I saw my future partner, someone who can complete me. I needed to know ‘why’ as it was the not knowing that kept me feeling trapped, in a pathetic state of ignorance. The truth is, it didn’t matter why. X made the choice.
Rejection is horrible. By definition it is without consent and often with little warning. It cuts deep into our identity and sense of self. It makes us question our mannerisms and body image. “Was I too camp?” “Am I too fat?” “Was I too quiet?” We turn in on ourselves, self-harming by over eating or under eating, using drugs, drinking alcohol or visiting saunas. We punish ourselves as if by doing so we can purge the feeling of loss.
Rejection also has a unique position in the gay community. Like all minority groups (disabled, black, elderly, Hispanic etc.) Gay people are more likely to be unemployed, bullied in school, be estranged from family networks, have more physical health complications and suffer from a higher rate of mental disorders.
X probably never called back because X could sense I was not myself. From the outset I was watching them like a hawk, analysing X’s every gesture, trying to second-guess their response. I tried to act more masculine, putting on a ridiculous deep voice, pretended to like artists I never heard of.
We are more transparent than we realize. And what you find attractive qualities in others they will find in you; confidence, self-worth and inner peace. No matter how attractive you think you are; insecurity, self-pity and drama are not going to make any sane guy call back.
My advice is noticing red flags are great, they help guide you into noticing drama way before it happens. You can dodge the freaks, users and chicken-heads and head straight for the yellow brick road. The problem with this is that it makes us pay more attention to the road signs than to the actual road.
Instead, I advocate we should date like the Dutch driver. Fewer traffic lights, road signs and speed limits and more attention to the environment. They have one of the safest roads in the world, because drivers are more relaxed and use common sense, patience and practice good driving skills.
We are so over saturated with dating books, tips, programmes, dating shows, apps and chat rooms all telling us how to date, instead of telling us how to enjoy the date.
A date is not an end in itself; it’s about the journey. Every date is different and different rules apply. Thus, each car journey is different, and so is each car and driver. Why wait on a red stop sign if there are no pedestrians:
“The thinking is based on the way drivers habitually race through lights before they turn red and who are lulled into a false sense of security by the confidence that they have right of way – making them less aware of potential hazards.”
[Carl, 2014]
The premise of the ‘Dutch argument’ is by removing distracting traffic lights, road signs and other paraphernalia that most drivers already ignore, they can make both the driver and pedestrian more culpable for their own safety. The ‘naked streets’ experiment also has a psychological affect on the community. A resident where the experiment was being adopted was shown to have increased their happiness levels. One argument is this was down to them having to pay more attention to their surroundings and thus they was more likely to not walk with headphones, talk on their mobiles or look down while they walked. By limiting their use of technology they felt more in touch with their community and their environment:
“Having experienced the naked street thing first hand in a number of Dutch cities and towns it does seem to make for a more pleasant pedestrian experience.”
[John, 2012]
To widen this discussion, red flags can also be viewed in anything that distracts us from seeing things how they really are. Or from fully experiencing the moment. Social apps and websites are also ‘distractors’ they allow you to carve an image of yourself based on a paragraph, two pictures and a headline. You judge people based on nothing more. It is often a soulless and can be a demoralizing experience.
Moreover, for me, it has made me lazy. My ability to flirt has gone, as I increasingly allow emoji’s to do the work for me. I find it hard to construct sentences when replying to messages or even forget to ask what their name is. So it was not surprising that meeting X in real life, I was a moron I had forgotten how to socialize. I would encourage you to drop the dating app and go outside! Go to a bar, a house party a cinema and learn to flirt again, with no expectations, just enjoy making conversations with strangers or even with friends.
A date should be fun, full of laughter and ease. Even a hook-up should be carefree and light hearted. If you find yourself on ‘red flag’ alert than maybe you’re too stressed to be on the date. Take yourself to Holland; get in the car and drive.
