Two weeks ago, while watching Netflix and drinking an obnoxious amount of red wine for a Wednesday night, I started doing what everyone these days does when boredom (and alcohol) sets in: I went on Tinder.
I have had an active Tinder account for well over two years, but nothing has really ever come from it. I usually log in, get a few matches, say hi to one or two, get no response, and then cry myself to sleep. But this night in particular, I got a match, said “Hey,” and guess what…he replied!
We spent the next hour chatting, mostly about work and the weather. But, I decided to look past the trite and stale conversation and asked my match out for a drink for the following night. Ballsy, I know. But, how I see it, it’s better to get these things over with as soon as possible.
He surprisingly agreed and we met up at a local bar for happy hour.
While the drinks flowed, so did the conversation. We sat at the bar for well over three hours, gabbing the night away. In my mind, I thought that it was a great date, but didn’t allow myself to get too attached. I wasn’t’ sure if he was into me and when the night was over, I gave him a high five. “I’ll never hear from him again” I told myself on the train ride home.
But, once I got out of the subway station and had cell phone service, I had a text message from him saying he had a lot of fun and would like to see me again.
It has now been ten days since our first meeting, and we are still dating each other.
Do I expect you all to gasp at your computer screens with amazement that I’ve been able to keep someone’s attention for less than 2 weeks? No, of course not. 10 days, in the giant scheme of things, is insignificant. However, it has occurred to me that dating, especially in New York City (and especially among gay men) is so difficult that even securing that second or third date is extremely rare.
Now, I am no expert in the act of dating, but there have been a few key steps me and my new beau have followed in order to get over the initial hump and keep interest. Pay attention…
- Communicate. Yes, this word has been plastered on every dating website, blog, and advice column. I used to read this and roll my eyes. “Of course we are going to communicate. That’s what cell phones are for.” But, you need to learn to communicate in person, without the help of gifs or emojis. When you are on your first, second, or fifth date, make sure the conversation is steady, interesting, and double sided. Don’t let your date do all the talking and you just nod your head. Be funny. Be witty. Keep the intrigue. I’m not saying ‘Don’t text them!’ or anything, but don’t try to have meaningful conversations via your phone. Don’t ask them about their relationship history or about their family while you sit on your couch watching the Kardashians. Save those important conversations for face-to-face meetings and leave the texts to small anecdotes and daily check-ins.
- Quit the Games. Immediately. When my date and I were walking to the train station after our second date, he stopped me in the middle of the street and said, “I know saying this is against the rules, but, I like you.” (Excuse me while I swoon all over again). We decided very early on to leave the games behind and to be completely honest with each other. If we wanted to text the other person, we did it. We didn’t think of any consequence and we surely didn’t wait a certain amount of time to text each other back. Seeing a text message appear on your phone and choosing not to respond right away because it may make you appear “desperate” is childish and you need to stop that. Don’t tell a prospective date you’re busy just to seem important. If you want to see them, see them. If you want to text them, then go ahead and text them.
- Keep it in Your Pants. As gay men, we have the reputation of being a little promiscuous. And sure, it is difficult to abstain from any sexual acts when you are interested in a guy. But try to refrain from taking off your pants for as long as you can. When you spend time together, do fun things you both enjoy, lay on the couch and pop in a movie, or have interesting conversations where you can get to know one another. Sleeping with someone too early can either make the relationship all about sex, or one of you will get bored until everything fizzles away. Go back to your innocent high school years and just wait.
- Laugh. Laughter is the key to any amazing and great relationship. Whether it’s with friends, co-workers, family, and especially someone you are dating, making sure you find common things humorous is very important. This will mostly be established on your first date, but continue making each other laugh. Let your guard down and be vulnerable.
Follow these four steps, and you will for sure have been able to keep that guy for 10 days. But what happens after that, TBD…
