As a gay men I am surprised how easy it’s been for me to say, “he is so gay” or “I don’t want to look or appear too gay” when picking out an outfit to wear. Surprisingly, over this past pride here in NYC, I caught myself tailoring the way I was going to dress because I didn’t want the general public to judge me for being too gay. What the hell is that all about, especially on the one day of the year that I am supposed to accept myself 100%. These are phrases I believe a handful of gay man use to describe someone who is flamboyant or possibly embarrassing to be around.
I began to question my own words after I heard someone at this year’s Dance on the Pier celebration as they passed by describing someone as being “too gay.” I immediately wondered how and why the phrase “too gay” is being used negatively against someone within their own community. It can be used against the community as a whole but I realized it can also be twisted and turned around and used to demean and lower someone for being who they are within the same community. It’s especially disturbing when I am one of those people who has been striving to fit in so much with society that I never realized how much I worked so hard on not being ‘too gay’ and then see that the same phrase is being used negatively by members of my own community.
Using the term ‘too gay’ as an African-American male reminds me of my youth when people would refer to other African-Americans as being ‘too black.’ What does it mean to be too black or too gay? I believe it’s the negativity attached to the culture and lifestyle of each community that makes it horrible to refer to someone in the same context. When a person doesn’t choose to be either and it can bring much anguish and feelings of worthlessness to one’s life. It’s important to consider the words we speak.
It’s strange how an oppressed community can easily take on the same traits of it’s oppressor. Without even realizing it, I’ve been boxing myself into a place of despair. I’ve been limiting myself too because I wanted to be accepted instead of being who I was intended to be. I’ve been so concerned about the perception and image of a gay man that society holds, never realizing the impact it’s had on my life and the choices I’ve made.
When you are so concerned with society and the images and perceptions they have of the LGBT community and with the lack of understanding, acknowledgement, and accepting of the negative thoughts they have, you are then controlled by their negative perceptions and opinions. You suddenly alter who you are without realizing you’re doing it. In my case, after an entire year of therapy, I suddenly discovered that my entire life has been altered and controlled by society and even the ones close to me.
It’s not that my loved ones didn’t accept the fact that I was gay but because of their understanding of the struggle related to being completely OUT they did their best to protect me. Although, protecting me actually hindered me from fully embracing who I was, doing the things I wanted to do, how I wanted to dress, or who I wanted to be professionally, and so much more. I ended up representing myself as someone who was not ‘too gay’ instead of someone who was acceptable to me for me.
I can’t change how the world views the gay lifestyle or community but the one thing I can control is how I represent the gay community. As a gay person who is guilty of being judgmental and labeling another gay person for being ‘too gay,’ I apologize.
Being gay is being gay. After seeing the Burger King wrapper, ‘we are all the same inside’ I realized I’ve been judging my own community. As a proud gay person, I will be honest, there are aspects of the gay community I am not pleased with and my experiences have not been always favorable, however, I would not change who I am for the world. From now on, I will stop and think before I use the same negative labeling that society uses to describe other gay men.
